Guess who am I? I am your political wizard, I am your chief economist, I am your foreign minister, I am your strategic brain, I am your war hero, I am your defence analyst, I am your everyday gardener — I am your General Johnny Sins. Not only do I take care of your needs, dear Pakistanis, I shoulder your sins as mine.
This year has been special for two reasons. First, I continue to rule Pakistan like the Queen of England once ruled united India. It is no joke that the Saudi crown prince, Mohammed bin Salman (MBS), felicitated me with the highest honour – the King Abdulaziz Medal. Given how my previous trips to the kingdom won me tonnes of rice bags, this award felt like a joke. But in my spare time, I also act as an adviser to MBS. How else do you think the young crown prince managed to pull off the bone-saw stunt in Istanbul’s consulate. I also don’t mind claiming that I am the brains behind Saudi Arabia’s modernisation, in fact, I organised Salman Khan concerts and a Saudi pavilion at the Cannes Film Festival. You see, how I have sealed my future with the Saudi monarchs.
Be assured, my friends, your General will never run short of dollars, even if the dollar rate keeps increasing in Pakistan. The PKR 1,523 billion in defence budget is just what we poor Generals need. While I don’t understand your criticism on the few billions we need to survive, you should see India’s defence budget in trillions and at least cry for us. You will say that Pakistan is in dire need of money, and I hear you! That’s why I made the new government make you cut down on tea. ‘Save on tea and save Pakistan’ is my new slogan. But don’t expect me to cut on my ammunition expenses.
India’s Agnipath and Pakistan donkeys
When India launched Agnipath, I thought it was a remake of the remake. To my surprise, it was an overhaul of their soldier recruitment scheme. Devastated as I was at not getting a chance to see a Chikni Chameli 2.0, I was happy for my old friend Ajit Doval. Not many people know – even Doval doesn’t know – that we have been friends forever. During his time in Lahore as a superspy, we used to hang out at Data Darbar. But let’s be honest, Agnipath can’t match my sheer intelligence when it comes to recruiting jihadis under the garb of faujis to fight in Kargil. That was my own Agnipath.
You never feel my pain. As you sleep at night, I stay awake to look after the cattle. I protect you, the sheep and the goats – all in the greater national interest. This Eidul Azha, like many before, I will help you sacrifice goats for PKR 41,000 not dollars. FML is now my company Fauji Meat Limited. Although a bumper sticker of FML explains my life as your General accurately. But like many of my businesses, meat is also a money-minting venture.
During my latest visit to China, I scored some billions in loans and found my next project — investment in donkey meat. Soon I will become a donkey entrepreneur – you can call me Donkey General.
Who needs elections?
Pakistan has won no wars. So what? I have been inspired to make a Pakistani Top Gun with your favourite General in the lead. After all, I am your Tom Cruise. I can also adapt Jurassic Park, with donkeys replacing the dinosaurs. Just like I replace prime ministers in Pakistan. Four in my current tenure so far. Just like no one knew about the surprise baby-on-the-way announcement of my childhood crush Alia Bhatt.
I want to leave this world a better place – that’s why I might not leave from my post as your favourite chief. You want a better place? Try making it without me. Those who oppose my stay please remember ‘Mera danda meri marzi’. This could be my election slogan if I ever run for the office of prime minister, but who needs elections when you rule the country by default.
This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General Twitter. The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.