No one knows R&AW agents better than Pakistanis—from Pathaan to Mission Majnu
Letter From Pakistan

No one knows R&AW agents better than Pakistanis—from Pathaan to Mission Majnu

So what if RAW agents Tiger, Pathaan, and Vinod have a tendency to get honey-trapped, we have got them covered with our own ISI operatives, that too ‘bold and beautiful’.


Sidharth Malhotra in Mission Majnu and Shah Rukh Khan in Pathaan

Who knows RAW agents better than Pakistanis? After all, those with a single working brain cell are labelled a RAW agent at the drop of a hat. As experts on neighbourhood agents, choosing agent Pathaan over agent Majnu was hardly a difficult choice to make. That is why there are those in Pakistan who want Pathaan aka Shah Rukh Khan to become the next prime minister of India, while there are those ready to fight for the ‘enemy’ agent against attacks from within.

So what if these RAW agents – Tiger, Pathaan, Vinod – have a tendency to get honey-trapped, we have got them covered with our own ISI operatives, that too ‘bold and beautiful’. This is the stuff great espionage is made of.

‘Pathaan for PM’

India sold us two RAW agents this season – Majnu and Pathaan. While Tariq in Mission Majnu was trying to hunt Pakistan’s nuclear installation through a commode–not to forget his tailoring skills for GHQ–Pathaan was on a mission to stop a rogue fellow agent and his partner, a Pakistani General, from a biochemical attack against India. All fine and well, just as it was when Pathaan was Major Ram in Main Hoon Na or IAF pilot Veer Pratap Singh in Veer Zaara saving someone or the other.

However, one Pakistani actor is convinced that it is time for Pathaan to now be the prime minister of India because he’s more popular than the current one.

India should be ‘secular’ while Pakistan remains an Islamic Republic is an ongoing fantasy. Also, after reading Shaan Shahid’s thoughts, here’s an idea: a sequel with Pathaan becoming the PM and freeing the already ‘free’ Kashmir in Pakistan. Or Pathaan as PM of India paying off Pakistan’s loans. And if we start adding Kangana Ranaut’s plot twists, this imaginative spy thriller could potentially turn into a horror movie as well. A spy-horror? Not bad.

Also read: Pathaan is Shah Rukh Khan’s love letter to his fans. And RSVP for boycott gang

General kehar

It was heart-swelling to see that a Pakistani General wanted kehar – not kher – after he found out that India has repealed Article 370, thereby taking away the special status of Kashmir. All we knew until now was that kehar meant standing half-an-hour in sun on a few Fridays and singing India ja ja Kashmir se nikal ja, changing name of a highway in Islamabad to Srinagar, and honking on Indian Prime Minister Modi’s billboard at traffic signals. But in a parallel universe, there was a plan to unleash bioweapons on select Indian cities. It didn’t matter whether the plan worked or not; the General was going to die anyway sooner than later.

By the way, what’s up with our Generals discussing stuff like ailan-e-jang with India with a doctor and the location of a nuclear plant with a tailor (Mission Majnu). Do better, you Generals!

That there was only one “janab” in Pathaan, which deserves Rs 100 crore award from the government of Pakistan.

ISI, spice and everything nice

The bikini-bandook armed, whisky-gulping ISI agent Dr Rubina is as good at her job as the defence minister of Pakistan, who has just one job – to sit on his chair. No, no one is complaining about Rubina doing insaniyat ki khidmat by joining the ISI. From skull caps to bikinis, it was a quick turnaround in terms of representation. In fact, this has to be the biggest success of ISI since its inception – to get sexy agents like Rubina from Pathaan or Zoya from Tiger series. 

The ISI doesn’t claim to be the number 1 intelligence agency in the world for nothing. The success rate of ISI agents honey-trapping Indian jawans on social media is off the charts and we are not even counting the online ludo and Yash Raj productions in it. Girls going rogue and following their heart is another theme in espionage altogether. The ISI chief should definitely look into the forbidden love spycraft.

The victims of forced disappearances are angry with ISI that sends bald, pot-bellied agents to kidnap them, while Shah Rukh Khan and Salman Khan get ‘agents’ like Deepika Padukone and Katrina Kaif to work with. They say it is unfair.

PS: Now will be a good time to lift the ban from Indian films in Pakistan so that we are not forced to watch pirated copies of films in which we are good-bad guys.

The author is a freelance journalist from Pakistan. She tweets @nailainayat. Views are personal.

(Edited by Prashant)