Thursday, 24 November, 2022
HomeOpinionI am offshore Pakistani General. My establishment beat India in Pandora Papers

I am offshore Pakistani General. My establishment beat India in Pandora Papers

We may say Indians are our enemies, but the Pakistani Generals well know how important India is to our offshore accounts.

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I dropped in just to inform you that I also own an offshore property like many of my fellow patriotic brothers. You can now call me your Offshore General. How I reached here is no mere coincidence, I planned my wealth before my birth. You all might have been in the womb, but I was in the Pandora box, though I never beat my dhindora.

People have been talking a lot about how my bro Shafaatullah Shah, who was General Pervez Musharraf’s aide in a previous life, got his $1.2million-apartment in London by dealing with the Indians. Let me set the record straight: One, the transaction only happened because Musharraf planned to make Mughal-e-Azam 2.0 with himself as Saleem and Aishwariya Rai as Anarkali. Two, Dawood Ibrahim was late on his monthly house rent in Karachi, so obviously the D-company had to pay. As you know, there aren’t any free lunches, except for me.

While Pandora Papers named another of my retired fauji bud, Raja Nadir Pervez, for doing arms business with India, it actually brought tears to my heart, if not my eyes. Yes, we Generals want Pakistani citizens to consider India as their enemy with whom friendship is unthinkable, but you know, my readers,  that rule doesn’t apply to us. Don’t be so naïve. Nadir is actually the nadir of all our careers. Like me, Nadir was also a prisoner of the 1971 war in India and, believe it or not, it was after he experienced Indian hospitality first-hand that the idea of doing business with the enemy struck him. People judged him when, on the repatriation flight, he sold his lota and balti to a museologist.

People say offshore Generals are the tip of the iceberg, but I say we Generals are Rose of Titanic, deal with it.

Also read: Pakistanis don’t care about 700 citizens in Pandora Papers but Imran Khan’s absence matters

The military elite are here

Here, I raise my voice for the plight of Generals from other mothers like the ex-Indian military intelligence chief who made it to the Pandora Papers. I, for one, am proud of him, so should India be, which lost to Pakistan in the ‘offshore asset expose’ by scoring 380 people, compared to our 700.

While Pandora Papers editors didn’t name me, this is my second disappointment in weeks, first one being the Times 100 most-influential list. Not naming me in the list and giving a spot to Taliban’s Mullah Ghani Baradar reeked of immaturity. Now, where is Baradar? He can’t even run his home in Afghanistan, let alone the country. I bet not so influential after all.

In another instance of plight alert, I want to mention US General Mark Milley, who, as you know, is my friend too, and I lovingly call him Chili Mili. Now tell me, what wrong did Milley do to be crucified in front of the world? Who is a president in front of a General? Asking Milley why he didn’t resign after Afghanistan debacle? As your Twitter General, I take strong exception to this treatment meted out to my brave Chili Mili and I will take revenge from Senator Cotton, who, by the way, makes cotton from my offshore yarns. No more cotton for you, Cotton.

There is a time for jokes, and this isn’t one. Unlike this tweet.

I’ve also read your passionate rumour-mongering on who the new ISI chief is and where the current one is going. Always remember that ex-ISI chief Faiz Hameed might become your “core commander”, but it is I who will remain your Crore Commander. Under my able leadership, and with the blessings of Gen Qamar Javed Bajwa, who, by the way, has never even heard an Indian song, we shall continue to make ourselves mala-mal.

Yes, yes, I have seen Pakistani journalists’ diligent boot-polishing on the selection of Nadeem Ahmad Anjum as new DG ISI. The king is dead, long live the king, is their life motto. Yesterday, it was Faiz, today it is Nadeem, but the person who will remain forever is ME.

While signing praises of new boss the only part these journalists left out was the brand detail of his jet-black hair dye. While there were those who defined Nadeem’s brain as “glacier”, and said he has sharp reflexes, his face is as innocent as Johnson’s baby shampoo and his voice, what can I say, like a humming bird. Doston ki dost, he is Shakespeare, Mirza Ghalib and Pied Piper all in one package. Let me give you an insight into the most important thing that my friend Nadeem can do — he can breathe fire from his mouth. That’s how we had our bonfires in Pakistan Military Academy. Professional soldier, genuinely apolitical are all clichés that mean nothing to my man for he is the next replacement of Daniel Craig as James Bond.

Also read: I am the spiritual leader of Taliban. My boys will rule Afghanistan again after 20 years


I am your friend, your confidant, your 3 am call but that doesn’t mean, my dear friends, that you forget that I am also your moral yardstick.

If Prime Minister Imran Khan turned 69, that doesn’t mean you forget that it is Pakistan and I am not your General Sins, at least yet. I gifted Imran with a debut in The Onion, now Pakistan’s passport will become more respectable in the world. So, if my researcher, after such an important corps commander meeting, tweeted “brewing humanitarian cum security situation” you should have understood his situation. Instead, you all started trending “cum”. Am I disappointed in the researcher? No. I am disappointed in you. If it wasn’t for the vision of our PG-18 researchers, we wouldn’t have ever won the Afghanistan war. No war has ever been won without great ideas and as you see there is no dearth of ideas offshore or inshore.

This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General Twitter. The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal. 

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